aht1991

Well, as some of you know, I've been living in New York City for the past 21 years of my life. While it has it's bad memories, I will always treasure its good ones. Like my trips to Broadway in High School, my Robotics competitions in Javitz Center, and wandering the Bronx Zoo sometimes. But all good things must come to an end.

I talked to my adoptive Mother and she said that she wouldn't be able to move anywhere in New York City since she lacks a job and so do her 3 grandchildren that are staying with her. Although the mother of the Granddaughters and their stepfather could finance an apartment, things are not looking well. In addition, the landlord was a shady bitch and now my mother owes $3000 in water bills. So right now, she's fighting the charges and as soon as the end of June happens, she's moving with them. Like in the previous moving journal, I was not included in those plans.

But fortunate for me, I have a very good friend named Deablo. His family was kind enough to offer me a place to stay in Fredericksburg, Virginia. There, I will be applying for jobs related to my degree in the nearby areas like Alexandria and Washington DC, learn to drive, and also save up to support myself in their house.

Yet as I begin to say goodbye to my birthplace, I start looking at my personal motives for moving.

1: When it comes to jobs for a Mathematics major, there's usually one option: teaching. I know for myself I'm not much of a teacher and that out of the various people that know math, very few can teach it. In addition, the pay sucks and the system is an inescapable void that will lead to a teacher being laid off in 5 years. The other math career options require experience, which is something I lack. Seems like in NYC these days, you need at least 2 years of experience of something, even at starter retail. -_- So onward to a new life where the job opportunities are bountiful.

2: Coming from an adopted family, I wasn't paid attention to much during my childhood and adolescents. So why I expected them to care in my adulthood, I don't know. They're moving without even considering me, but it is understood that I'm now 21 and I need to spread my wings and fly. But they know how to say that in the coldest way. As for my birth family, I could not deal with them since my Uncle died on January 20th and my Grandpa was murdered on March 4th. All they bickered about was inheritance and picking sides in the family. It even led to some fist-fights and arrests. They didn't fight for me when I was one, so I'm not going to defend either side. I might get a name-change in the future depending on how my families act in the upcoming months.

3: Among my high school and college friends, I limited my socialization, because I knew that within four years that I would move on and would not be missed. I'm a natural drifter, so I don't stay emotionally attached to people for too long. I accepted that fact and the only ones I truly got close to in my life were my Fraternity Brothers in my Chapter. They will be the people I will miss most of all.

4: While there are some furs in my area (NYC/LI) that I hold dear and out of those few hold me dear, I can't deal with drama anymore. A good amount of people don't give half-a-damn if I was around or not, and thanks to things back in AC2010 and people PERPETUATING a mistake I made two years ago, my name got defamed, What irritates me the most is that people are still talking shit behind my back and won't come up to my face to say it like the pussies they are. LET IT GO ALREADY AND MOVE ON LIKE ADULTS! Like even on my birthday, I wanted to hang with people, and I ended up doing so at a couple meet-ups, which seemed stagnant towards my presence. I'm closing my chapter with my group and starting all over again in a new place with new people I can show my maturity and kindness that some people in the group won't accept or acknowledge.

For the next few months, I will be filling out application-after-application for a job in the area and save up money for any future trips and career goals. And I want to use this time to speak to all the people I know and figure out where me and him or her stand. If me and the person are friends, I'll keep in touch. If me and the person are enemies, I'm not afraid anymore to throw the first punch if need-be. So if anyone wants to talk, my IMs are on my FA and you can PM me for my phone number so we can talk personally. Making amends is the first step to recovery, but for those that won't take it, I hope Karma gets you. While I can tell many will ridicule me for this journal, I have five words for them: I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!

PS: I'm fully-blown gay now. Sorry ladies.

For those that have been contacting me, ignoring me, or just not paying attention; last month had to be the hardest month of my life. Not only did I get and lose a Mistress, but I had my heart broken by someone I was in love with for a year, got betrayed by those that I trusted, realized people I once enjoyed their company sickened me, lost touch with the ones I called friends, and my Uncle Jesus died on January 20th. I would say the combination of all the events climaxing on one day definitively killed my spirit and plunged me in the darkness. In that darkness, I enveloped it and thought many malicious and selfish ideas. I was a vengeful, cold, and relentless person for the next couple weeks after my Uncle's death.

Yet this journal isn't about that hardship. Because on Sunday, I had somewhat of an epiphany. I saw in dreams some of the things that have been a major issue in my life and soon enough figured out some things about myself:

1. I am a person who confides in other, yet sometimes can be so conceited that I don't listen to others. Yet it is the dependency that makes me weak-hearted and at times modest of my own abilities that I should be proud of and share with others. In addition, I should try to be more open to what others do and try to exchange crafts for a more well-rounded life.

2. I can be a one-dimensional person who tries to become more than that through other conventions, such as lies, sex, and even deceit. Much of the lies and deceit have been constructed to protect my vested interests; and those lies have compiled in me great guilt that I feel to this day. I blamed some people that didn't deserve it, and I regret it all.

3. Although I can be a friendly person, I can be two-faced towards others. In situations with two opposing people that are my friends, I try to help resolve those issues by lighting the wick at both ends of the candle. Usually, this ends up with me being burnt in the end. I know of countless situations where I done so and now the effects have taken their blow. Similarly, I have (with intention or subconsciously) hooked people up together and broke others apart to ensure the happiness of a friend, but got too involved after the point of introducing them to each other: that's how many of my and others' relationships started and ended. Also, I have talked to many that the majority of furries here refer to as "drama furs" and listened to them. Yet to the majority I have either remained abstain in the situation, or just bad-talked them. One case in particular involved someone over this summer in accordance to something I have, which haunted me in various dreams last month. Once more, this is another way of "protecting my vested interests," which was a pretty rotten way to do so. Such two-face-ness has caused me to lose the trust and hope of other people both in and out the fandom. After finding out a former friend blackballed me from getting a hotel at a more recent convention due to the mistakes of my FIRST convention, I realized how bad the effects truly were were, one major effect being taking friends that cherish me for granted. Perhaps all I accumulated was acquaintanceship and enemies, instead of friendship and love, and a home: my three wishes in this world.

4. As much as I want to help the situations occurring in my family, I know I am of no help. I honestly feel no connection towards them and at my age and in my situation, it might be for the best. I'm awkward enough with people trying to trust them, but with my birth family and adopted family, it's like I'm a black sheep. Perhaps that is my role and in that, I set myself apart from my families and their deceit and lies.

5. I don't accept compliments and hide behind modesty as a defense, going back to my first point. Much of it is, once again, due to my nature to not trust people yet lunge towards other in an act of desperation and belonging. Ma        ybe this is the drive of my networking in my fandom and knowing many revered furries. Others have called me "popufur" but I don't accept such a title since what I am now isn't the true me Like those revered furries, I should be proud of my achievements, accept my disappointments and compliment my environment and others for a more peaceful community.

You know, after seeing all this about myself, I realized all of this is something I wrote about two years ago, about the time I got rejected by a group of friends and decided to seek something more. That time, I found my Fraternity and the Furry Fandom. Yet this course of building, corruption, destruction, and rebirth is a cycle implanted in my very being, occuring in my major phases in my life. I truly wish that one day, this cycle could be broken so that I may enjoy life as it is, take comfort in the friends that I have and the people that want to spend time with me. But for that I need to start all over again. And the first sign of such a rebirth was the loss of a fursona.

My main identity in the fandom, Mizu Astrum has always been my mask in order to try to get friends and love. Yet that day in January where I was crying, frozen, and put to sleep was perhaps the euthanasia of my wolf-form, for which my vessel grew cold-hearted. In the darkness, I saw the fragility and the wrath of the swan, a form I once considered in the past. Although beautiful and fragile in appearance, it carried a confidence, rage, and an allure to others. Like the caged bird, it yearned for human contact, whether it be physical or emotional. But once released, the swan unleashes its fury and flies gracefully to its next host. This form, I call my emo-sona.

But that form I reject for the cause of returning to a reality where I am not at its center. My form is unknown still, but I know the emo-sona would just continue the cycle and create more burnt bridges. So instead, I need to focus on some other aspects of my life. Funny how just this Sunday, it felt like I pressed the reset button from two years ago and now I'm offered two paths:

1. Back away from the fandom as much as possible: out of sight, out of mind. Such a path would allow me to fully focus on the path forged for me of work, school and responsibilities. This path limits my free time and my interactions with others to solely business

2. Start all over again. In this path, I see a few people in my past returning, but only those who wish for me to be in their lives. From this, I create a home where I feel like I can trust others and where they could trust in me. In this home, I could feel like myself and not hide behind a mask.

The latter is my choice. You all could continue calling me Mizu, but for now, I am Alejandro.

Well there's this guy I met in October from my city and he's a cute Asian G-shep. We talked and chatted getting to know each other. It was clear we had a mutual liking for each other. But then at a party, he pulls me outside, admit he likes me, and asks some personal questions about me.

This is where things start going downhill. He asks me if I was clean. I couldn't lie to him, so I admitted to him that I contracted genital warts, meaning I have HPV. I'd say for purposes of explaining the situation, look back in my old journals about my condition. But I digress. I told him to do the research about it, then he told me that he liked me, but "No STDs" was one of the top things on his BF list. So things are a bit stagnant even though ever since he cuddled me lots of times. He's a virgin, so he's naturally scared of being "tainted."

Then recently, I suggested he gets his shots so that he can be clean, whether or not he chooses me. But he said no. And he even admitted to me at a party 3 weeks ago that the fact I have an STD affected how he felt about me. So it kinda leaves me at a point where I want to give up. So I just decided to keep our relationship as friends and wait for him to accept my condition. And hopefully, some form of love grows. Ever since I admitted my condition to him, I got my warts removed. He knows, but again, it takes time for HPV to be suppressed by ther body. So today, we cuddle and hang out for most of the day during a furmeet. And we chat again where he mentions that I'm an awesome guy and he kisses me on the cheek, and I return the favor.

But then he told me that we're just friends and I got "caught in a technicallity." I interpretted it as "If you didn't have an STD, we'd probably be together." So I stopped talking to him for a while. When he asked about how I was feeling before we parted ways, I admitted how I felt about his comment. He hugged me and explained how he felt... which was reminiscent of what I initially thought. Then he asked "your condition is clearing up, right," which to me shows a BIT of sign that he's interested still. So I'm kinda at a stalemate. As of now, I stray away from any sexual talk so my issue doesn't come up in convos, just cuddle when he wants to, and mostly talk to him when we hang out. But at the same time, it feels like I might lose such an awesome and sweet guy just because I have an STD. But the chat we'd have later that night online would be the last nail on the coffin.

So last night, me and him chat and he continues to affirm his "NO STDs:" rule. Not that I blame him, but still it hurts that he wouldn't try to be there for me in this time of recovery. He even admits that if I didn't have an STD, we'd probably be dating right now. So it's like someone I really liked just doesn't want me based on a "technicallity..." Something tells me that this is a technicality that will always be a problem for me with others...


Song: Tatuajes by Joan Sebastian

A few things about me that happened since my previous journal
* I gave the proverbial slap to the face to Student Government during a Senate Meeting and the day after, they rushed my unpaid wages. I guess I got them scared and I'm starting to feel a little more respected these days by them. There wasn't a need to sue or even bring it up to them and I won my battle.

* I went to Boston last weekend and visited my friends Rawz and Mykell. On Saturday, I went to Provinence, RH at Dave & Buster's for DaniSkunk's birthday. BIG Shoutout to WiiMan (FNA, Nito, whatever you wanna call him) for planning this party last-minute and making it awesome.

*MFF is a no-go for me. I plan to get a fursuit and with FWA is coming up in March, so maybe it's best to save.

*I'm kinda looking for a close friend or possibly a mate, but I'm not going to force it. If it comes, it comes. (Ohh murr)

*I kinda lost my attraction for females and feel confused if I should be gay or not. Like I don't mind having sex with one (even though it's been MANY MONTHS), but emotionally, I'm losing my original dream of being married to a nice wife and having children with her.

*Back in August, I got the disturbing news that I contracted genital warts, which were on my perianal area. As of now, they are gone, however, I'll always have that virus in my system. I would just need to build my immune system so it could suppress the virus so that I don't have another outbreak for a lifetime. Essentially, it's chicken pox in a way. HPV is untrackable and uncurable: so sometimes people have it, but their immune system suppresses it but could still pass it on.

*I haven't had sex since July and I feel VERY PENT UP. My right hand doesn't do it for me like it use to. I tried to find a partner willing to play with me since I don't see myself being mated anytime soon. But before, I tell that partner about my condition, and usually they run away or just say no. It makes me feel like I'm not wanted by others and like I'm a "health risk." Honestly, this is a clear sign that I'm not meant to be happy with another. =/

I know I don't speak much about my personal life, but I feel VERY livid today. I am currently a college student at SUNY Old Westbury and I am on the Student Government as a Senator. With the Senator position comes a bi-weekly paycheck at $7.35 an hour with 7 hours a week. Although I do like the payment perk, I am truly passionate about making student life better on my campus.

Since September 20, I have been employed by the Student Government Association. I understand it takes about two to four weeks to process my paperwork, but it is already October 27. By now, I should have expected a paycheck for my services to Student Government. But I have not. Originally, I went to the Director of Student Activities to clarify the issue. She misplaced my paperwork under her "Problem Pile." According to her, she handed the paperwork last week, which meant I would expect a paycheck by today. However, that check still has not come in.

I know in Student Government, many don't like me. Perhaps it's because I'm not a conformist or perhaps the fact that I have awkward social skills deter them. Regardless, BUSINESS IS BUSINESS. The moment personal feelings get into an issue, all rules get thrown out the window. In fact, on Tuesday, an SGA Executive Board member approached me as I was writing on the white board to promote a program for my Math Club's Monopoly Tournament. He told me that I couldn't write on the board since "we stopped doing that for clubs." I asked howcome and point out that another club promoted on the white board prior to me. He then tells me with a condescending tone "Well I'm telling you." I was tempted to punch him for that attitude, but instead I said "I see how it is," and left the area. NOTHING pisses me off more than unprofessionalism in a business setting.

It's clear that people in my Student Government bring their personal issues to a business setting. But now it's affecting me and I can't stand for it anymore. Personally, I saw the Student Government during its Golden Age where they promoted student advocacy and were very professional at what they do. And from what I see today, it's as if it's a club but with a HUGE budget to throw programs. Something about the Student Government feels hollow now and I can't stand for it. I try my best to make a difference to people for the better, but obviously opposing forces are bombarding me left and right. I don't even feel like going to a conference in Albany for the SUNY Student Assembly because I don't like what I represent.

While I wish to resign from my position, there are two factors preventing me. One: I still see a spark of the past and with the present tools, ignite that flame for the future of student leaders. Two: I need the money in order to travel into New York City so I could attend my Doctor appointments. And without that money, my issue might persist until things are irreversible.

So I'm now considering taking legal action against my Student Government on the following claims:
Unpaid Wages: on account of not being paid since October 4, the first date I would have gotten paid
Pain and Suffering: on account of missing already one doctor's appointment due to lack of money to attend, along with the stress of being in an unsuitable living environment.

As much as I want to do it now, I'm going to be leniant. I think I'll give my Student Government two weeks, when the next payment period occurs. Should I not be paid for my documented office hours and miss another Doctor Appointment, I will resign Student Government, bring my lawyer to campus and try to settle such issues out of court. If they deny such claims, I will be taking them to court.

I could use anyone's opinion on this situation.

Diary,
I arrived at last to college yesterday and overall had an average time. I was suppose to move in Sunday but Hurricane Irene made it impossible to move. The power and internet go in and out constantly, but that's because LIPA is working on restoring power and internet access. But I was able to move my stuff on Tuesday. But when my father and I went to open my door, we saw the room in a mess. My two roommates, who happen to be soccer players, had a party the previous night with beer cans on the floor, a standing liquor bottle, and a hookah on an ashy desk. The hookah and other stuff were disposed of by the Residential Life Staff, my father flips and after seeing this, I put in a request for a room change. But that's not the only reason why.

Remember a while back that I said I was in the Honors College. After three years with them, they're still the most egotistical, self-praising sons of bitches I ever seen. Sure I say hello to them, but each time they seen me yesterday in the door, they run for their room and slam the door. Sure I could take it up with them, but what's the point of changing their minds. They see me as an annoying guy who doesn't know what to say and when to say it and where's my place. It's a major issue I have and I understand this. I lost many friends and furry friends as a result. But I'm improving by being more observant. A shame they won't give me a chance. Then again, why would I be friends with people who think so highly of themselves and look down at everyone else just because their grades are higher than the rest of the campus.

Although the power and net was up and down, I still made the best of it. Seeing my friends Steven, Angela, EJ, Zuleika, and Nicole, we ate together. But things got awkward really quick. Not just because of my social awkwardness, but because of two of them having issues. I have a party with them and it was fun.

Being back in college sometimes makes me forget about my issues. Like that one at home with everyone moving without me; well the move is happening at the end of the month. So by the 30th, I'll have no permanent residence. Sure I could still claim to live in my Mom's future apartment, but I won't be living there. I made peace that I'm going to be in my college living here until May and afterwards, find a place to live. Then I finally told off my ex's current boyfriend on how he gives off a condescending tone to me. I still suspect he set up the chain of events that led to my break-up. But I don't regret it, since it showed me that I wasn't ready for anyone.

I came to a lot of conclusions last week. Seems like I still don't know what true love is. Sure, there's unconditional love, but that love only exists in fairy tales to me. I got abandoned by my birth mother and her family, my birth father and his family, and now forsaken by my adoptive family. If their love was truly unconditional, I would have felt more free to be myself in that house instead of confined to my room, forced to not have interests in men or be an aqua and teal wolf fantasy character. In college, I feel more free and untied. And it seems like I now have the freedom to do as I please. Yet there's one thing holding me back in New York: finding my birth father. Once that's done, I'm free to roam this world without regret.

Yet without anyone by my side, I feel alone. I had my best friends in the past, like the first friend I made in school and my former neighbor. Yet since high school, I haven't found someone to truly confide and trust in. Sure I place my faith in everyone, but it seems almost human nature to backstab. Many friends ditch me or run to escape me. This hurts me greater than any punch or kick could since it makes me feel like I'm not wanted in this world. That goes for family and other people as well. The last person I considered a best friend was great initially. We'd have late-night conversation about the world, music, our lives, even boosting one another's hope as the sun rose. But since AC 10, things never been the same with this person. We grew apart and moved on to other stages in life, but I wish I knew what I did to cause him such discomfort, or what was the factor that ended it all. After all of this, it feels like the only one I could confide to is myself and this diary.

But I know my diary can't give me love: something most people don't. Sure I had a boyfriend, but fate chose me as a pit stop to his true love. But what I hate about myself is how I can be a natural match-maker. Sure, I know a lot of people, but it's like when I get them together on an online chat or in person, they create a better connection. Then soon enough, they start to leave me behind and build their friendships or relationships stronger. I just feel like I was a third wheel or left out a situation. And even in group chats when i see everyone talk one minute, but when I enter, total silence and awkward pauses or one-answer responses, I feel annoyed. I get more annoyed when guys claim to have crushes on me, and then have crushes on other guys. Sure, I feel their comfort and consideration. But at the same time, I know I would never be #1 in their hearts until the other's out the way, which hardly ever happens. And of course there's the guys who ditch me for their friends. They claim they love me and miss me, but when I had a planned date with a guy, he forgets me in front of Columbus Circle when him and his friends go to the bathroom. I'm just bad luck with these things.

But with the bad luck with my ex, my family, and my friends, it doesn't compare with the bad luck my body has. A week before Sunday, I went to the hospital to check on some white growths on my perianal that have been growing since a bit before AC. I get the word from the hospital that it's genital warts. My heart and jaw dropped. I never felt so dirty in my life. But I did my research on it and it appears that I have HPV: The Human Papillomavirus. It's an STD that creates genital warts on the body. They mostly appear on the perianal or the genitals themselves. But upon hearing this news, I was able to schedule a dermatologist appointment and I'm receiving cryotherapy to get rid of these warts. The good news is that I should be cured of the warts before FurFright. However, I'll always have that virus in my system. I would just need to build my immune system so it could suppress the virus so that I don't have another outbreak for a lifetime. Essentially, it's chicken pox in a way. But with all the stress in my life, I wouldn't be surprised if that was what was weakening my immune system. Also, there's only a few people I done it unprotected with. HPV is untrackable and uncurable: so sometimes people have it, but their immune system suppresses it but passes it on. Honestly, in my heart, I think my ex gave it to me.

I know it sounds selfish and trivial, but I will miss the feeling of sex. It was something that I enjoyed doing with others. I know that from now on, I'll HAVE to use condoms with everyone. But it's telling a future partner (whether just sex or lover) is going to be the hard part. I told all my sexual partners since April about my warts. Many took it in the aspects that it's like chicken pox. others are staying away from me with a 20-foot pole. But I get the same comment from others, "Maybe this will teach you to not sleep around." I get aggravated when I hear this. I only sleep with my trusted friends or guys I crush on and wanted more that just friendship with. But then it hit me... I use sex as a substitute for sex, and as an escape for my loneliness. It's not a healthy thing when one equates love to sex. I thought that people who wanted to hold me in their arms, or wanted to be of one body, or held me close after it was over wanted to be close to me emotionally. But I know now this isn't the answer. I need to find what love is again before I could ever enter a relationship. But I don't even love myself or see myself as highly. Many consider this modesty, but I see it as "being in my place."

On the bright side, at least I'm learning my issues and slowly trying to solve them. I have a bit of hope for my future, but a little bit is all I need. I hope to receive a job soon and also make enough money to start my own living upon graduation. I'm a senior and I need to go out with a bang. I have things to handle with my Fraternity, with my Club on Campus, with a Research Project, and with work-study with any luck. Since the summer began, I felt like I had no purpose. But being back in school once again, I do. Sure not that many people in my school think highly of me, or love mixing business with personal, but I strive my best to be the best there is. Hopefully visiting my friend Jake and Dyne and going to Tony Ringtail's BBQ will clear out my head and make me feel at peace.

-Alejandro

Shit has been happening since I last posted, but here's the jist of it.

Currently, I'm a 20-year-old college student and I'm living in my parents' home during breaks. At the moment, there are many people in my household: my adoptive family whom me and my two other blood siblings been with since we were in foster care when I was 1. It consists of my adoptive father, adoptive mother, their two daughters in their learly 30s, six grandchildren from the oldest daughter and one grandchild from the youngest daughter. The oldest daughter got married in November 2009 to a guy in the Air Force and even have a house in Goldsboro, North Carolina. Ever since, there has been talk of moving. She and her four youngest daughters are planning to move to North Carolina with her husband when he returns from duty in Afghanistan. The Youngest sister of my adoptive parents plans to move in with her long-time boyfriend and baby's daddy in West Babylon, New York. My adoptive mother plans to keep her 2 oldest granddaughters in place of her daughter so that the two of them can finish high school in New York City.

But then comes the question: where do I fit in their plans? Simple answer: I don't. I knew them for many years and in the back of my mind, I expected this. Those women were always ones to put themselves and their own survival ahead of their own. Hell, I learned but months ago that they didn't even want to take care of my brother and sister when we were still in foster care. But I guess since more money comes in when you have "wards of the state," it helps one survive economic issues. But that leaves my adoptive father and his plan. He was always the resourceful and hard-working type for 76. He was planning to get Section 8 to get an apartment in New York City and even said I could stay there when I'm off from college. Unfortunately, things didn't go so well with that. And he even told me that he's going to wrap up any affairs in New York and move permanently to Puerto Rico. So as one can imagine, there is no home with my adopted family.

So that leaves me a few options. My brother is not a good choice since he has his own issues going on in life and had a son. My sister is in college too and already has plans with our long-time family-friend to move with them. As for my birth family, I was introduced to them when I was 16, and I haven't really had any interaction nor have I grown close with them within these last three years. So I return to college for my last year for my Bachelors and in NEED a place by next May. So I need a job ASAP, but after 4 months of searching, nothing has came up.

As for friends, I feel distant from everyone. Not really considering people friends after the months of two-faceness and back-and-forth backstabbing. And people dont message me; I just message them first, and a response is rare. But yeah, major trust issues. As for furs, I think no one really gives a shit about what I have to say: furry and non-furry related. So I stopped really contacting people. Plus it's not like anyone pays attention to my Twitter. But when desperate for any contact or attention, I just find anyone really, or openly vent to see who would listen. With family, I don't feel any connection with them; their not even family really, just people that use the fact of clothing and feeding and sheltering me as an excuse to end any conversation when I feel neglected.

Since June 13, I have been going out with an otter named Aaron. We decided it would be open due to the traveling I'd be doing and our various sexual needs, as long as we never fell in love with someone else. Well, 2 Sundays ago during the weekend of Megaplex, he met his Master, Foxxxie, in real life. And Foxxxie lost his virginity to Aaron in a 5 Guys Bathroom. I didn't mind that they fucked. Although I should have set a "No-virgins" rule. As a result, both got closer emotionally. Then last Sunday, Aaron professed his love for Foxxxie. Then on Monday, Aaron tells me off about my flaws, and acts passive-aggressive about it.

On Tuesday Foxxxie shows me the chatlog of Aaron saying "I want to be with you" to Foxxxie. Foxxxie even claimed that he was in love with Aaron too, but wouldn't do things in respect to my relationship with Aaron. BULLSHIT. I tell off Aaron on his flaws later that day, then asked if he was in love with someone else since he seems to run to others about issues concerning me. But he lied about being in love with Foxxxie, so I dumped him.

Next day, he tries to guilt-trip me back to him and continues being passive aggressive. Then according to Aaron, he asked Foxxxie out; now they are mates AND M-S. Yeah, it was literally the day AFTER the break-up that they got together. Then the following day, Foxxxie tells me that HE asked Aaron out. I couldn't tell who was lying of this was all planned to begin with, so I told both to go fuck off on Thursday and proceeded to block them.

But then Sunday happens. Me and some friends went to a party. One of his other exes and a former crush Aaron had were there, but I have no issues with them. But we all hear that Aaron was coming to the party a few hours into the party. So it was an awkward silence and just so much tension at the party following Aaron's arrival. Aaron claims to feel neglected, but then again, I wasn't trying to be cold towards him. For all I care, he can be a whore elsewhere with his Foxxxie master-Mate. I never felt hate before until now. I always thought of it to be the most destructive emotion; but now I see it as a fuel or something needed. Jeez, what am I saying?

But after I got home from the party, I get word that some of my friends I introduced to one another began to fall in love. And many friends I introduce to one another just discard me to the side when they make a better connection with each other. And I guess with that, my friends badgering me about a meeting today, my family leaving me behind when they move, my friends not alking to me like they use to, my ex, and.... everything... I just snapped. Like I just feel empty, lethargic, in a void of nothingness.  It's like I'm numband I don't feel connected with the people I once called friends.Like I hear their voices trying to reach me, but I'm not in a trusting state to listen... I feel a sense of incompletion... I don't feel my fursona anymore... I think Mizu Astrum died yesterday, on Sunday August 14th around 11:50PM

Well, after some stress and self-reflection, i started to look into myself and see who I truly am, and it needed to change. I need to become stronger and have more self-reliance. So now, i face the world with a new look and need to remember that I form my own identtiy and no one else.

Well, I have been having a dream for a little while after Anthrocon 2010 and it got pretty clear last night. It's something I fear the answer to them, but with so many questions in my dream, they can't be helped but be answered.

It starts with me at a furry convention, but furs wouldn't talk to me and continued on their way. As I tried to approach my friends I knew in real life, they said for me to stay away from them, that I cause drama, that I try to hard too hard. Then, I see myself as a blur: not human nor fur or anything. I'm in the darkened room and strobing lights are everywhere. I see a good friend of mine and suddenly, he is swarmed with so many furs. Some were happily chuckling, others were giving him gifts, and many were bent over for him. The strobing lights soon filled the room with a neon green glow. Seeing this, I just begin to grunt out my frustrations and my form takes the green lights into my own. This made me shout, "LOOK AT ME!" But it fell on deafening ears. Silence befalls me and I finally get answers to my reply. A lot included, "You're living a lie?" "Who are you?" "You're not who you think you are." Then the following two replies repeated: "You're just a wannabe," "You don't belong in any one place," "You seek attention, no matter if its good or bad." "You're not meant for the fandom," and "Are you even a furry?" So after so much I repetition, I tell them to shut up, got on my knees and cried and then said I'm not a furry and I don't belong anywhere. Then a light wipes away the darkness, and like the ending scene of Neon Genesis Evangelion, all my fur friends and real life friends told me congratulations and that I'm finding myself. That they said that for me to go away and pointed to a mirror in the distance. I looked in it but I woke u before seeing my form. I woke up sweating a bit and questions in my head?

Why do I not feel accepted by a fandom that accepts all?
Why can't I catch a break with someone, whether it is a lasting friend or a mate?
Why do I get easily jealous over someone getting attention while I don't get it myself?
Am I even a furry, or just finding another place to try to belong?

*Sighs.* Maybe I should just leave...